*Im-a-black-rainbow

You think you know how its happening, you're dealing with it, getting over it.
You couldn't be further from the truth.
You can kid yourself and your feelings but really they will be sparked. You can ignore it but then something happens that makes you think
Shit
I got this wrong.
So totally up the creek without a paddle and Im about to drown sort of shit.

My poor lil brother broke up with his girlfriend who he adores and it then made me think of my own previous relationship.
Hm.

Sy and myself were talking and we just sat there sort of crying with each other.. was really horrible and things like that really make you realise some details that you actually to be perfectly honest would rather have kept deep deep down and not have realised.

"If I had my way I wouldn't get of bed and I would just cry"

The words were out of my mouth before I could have stopped them and as soon as they tumbled out, as did the tears. Many salty tears that I thought I had cried, along with many realisations I thought I wouldnt have.

I get out of bed and be all happy because I don't want to dwell on how I really really feel because its too much energy to be sad and like I have said in a previous journal entry I have delt with worse and self pity is not a quality I respect in anyway shape or form. So you know, all my friends may think Im okay but really... really and truly Im not.

Ive lost the person who knows me better than any one in the whole wide world knows me or ever will know me.
I cant just cut you out of my life. Ive been with you for five years some of the most amazingly-special-fantabulous times of my life and some of my worst.
I wouldnt change any of it for the world.
The majority, infact nearly all my friends thought we would have been together always, and to be fair quite a few of them believe that we will end up together one day.
I dont care that a minority thought we shouldnt be together.
If you cared, such a tivial thing wouldnt bother you and if it does... Well thats another journal entry for another time

And in reply to the text you randomly sent me at 1.15 this morning...


I miss you too.